If you realy want to here opinions on ending the war in Iraq you should here them from a veteran of that war. I did not attend the veterans for peace rally on campus during veterans day. I was busy taking the mandatory freshmen exam. I was kind of perturbed that they could not find a beter day tho hold the exam on. It may be not be alone in this that a national holiday was sidelined for a 45 minute test and a 45 minute campus evaluation. i am getting off subject. My inaction did stem from my anger of having to be on campus that day. I was, like I said, planning to go to the rally by Veterans for Peace. I am not sure of thier policies toword ending the war, but at least they support the men and women in uniform. I would not want to here any soldier bashing from the audience even if it were true. Those of us who served over there did many unsavorie things that would not be acceptable by American society standards. Like I said I was a scout and we spent alot of time kicking in doors and in the bazzars on patrol. I do not want to here af any soldier or marine being belittled for doing the things they were ordered to do. Having said that, I am all foar bringing our people home for good and leaving the Middle East to rot in the sun. I know we just can not pick ou and leave. Apparently we must pay a price in blood for the oil we get in return. I just have my reserves of being in a country that does not want us there in the first place. Then having to pay such a high price for our staying there. I am a firm believer that one drop of american blood is not worth our "stabalizing" a war torn nation. My belief system does not allow for my abbandonment of our troops and the criminalization of thier actions while in a war zone. Anybody who has served on the streets will tell you what goes on is none of americas business as far as the media is concerned. They have no business over there reporting and framing the mind of the American public about this war. They should stick to writing about the political situation and not every day life of soldiers on the line or in combat. That is my two cents anyway. I am just a media hating veteran.
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ReplyDelete"Those of us who served over there did many unsavorie things that would not be acceptable by American society standards." The term "unsavory" works very nicely here, and paints a picture that isn't too drastic but adds a nice effect. "...leaving the Middle East to rot in the sun." This is a powerful statement, and leaves no question about how you feel about the subject. "...one drop of american blood is not worth our "stabalizing" a war torn nation." The phrase creates a very moving and sad image, and describes a very touchy subject with great eloquency. Very good imagery!
The personal testimony about kicking in the doors was a very good insight into the situation. It really lets us know very plainly what went on over seas. The ending about the media having no business in the personal life of soldiers was also an extremely good point to make. This view is supported by the statement that the media is turning the war into something that it is not.
The organization of this piece is topical, moving relatively seamlessly from one area to another. Starting with the rally, then to the war itself, then the writer's opinion on certain aspects of the war. The main problem occurs in the first part of the writing. It goes from "...support the men and women in uniform" to not wanting to hear "soldier bashing" from the audience. I don't quite understand why there would be any of this at a rally for veterans, but I have not been to one. Maybe citing examples of times "soldier bashing" has occurred at other rallies would help the audience get into the next section a little better. After this section, though, it flows well into the next sections about soldiers and your opinions on the war.
The voice that I hear in this draft is an angry voice. It is not angry at me specifically, but at the school and the media. It does not talk down to me, but it is somewhat scolding. However, the writer is angry about his inaction, and the voice makes perfect sense in this context. "I do not want to here af any soldier or marine being belittled for doing the things they were ordered to do." This sentence is very accusatory, but I understand that it is not directed at me personally. "They have no business over there" is a very strong statement, and it sounds like a firm belief. The voice in this piece is very consistent, and fits the point that is being made quite well.
There is not a writer's memo in this draft, and my suggestions for revisions are in this comment. My only additional revision would be to reread the draft and fix any spelling errors that you encounter. Overall, I think
this is a good article that really shows your true feelings directly and does not leave room to question how you feel. Good job!